New Year's Eve. It's my second least favorite holiday. I'm so much a cynic that I cannot look forward to the new year like everyone else. No, I dwell on the previous year and all the ways I screwed up. I look at all the negatives and realize that there is no way they can be fixed and feel crappy. I look back at how I've changed as a person and realize that it's not the way I wanted to change.
Today's Truth:
I'm not the person I wanted to be at this time last year.
Today's Lie:
I'm going to change this year.
Today's Quote:
Friend: Perfect. [Insert name here] has been corrupted. Feel guilty.
Me: Yeah. I want to corrupt her with my dick.
I wish I could explain this fully, but that would mean tearing my heart out and stomping on it repeatedly before lighting it on fire. Dramatic? I wish.
Analysis:
Ha. There is so much running through my head right now that I could type for days. Basic synopsis, I don't understand people (myself included) and the decisions that they make. The lies they tell. The phoniness by which they live their lives. I don't understand the hypocrites of the world. I don't like people who don't know how to drive/park. I don't like the holiday commercialism. I don't like not knowing what the future holds. I don't like the unknown. I don't, I don't, I don't. I wish there was more than that. I wish I could share my life with someone who was something more than a random hook-up; someone who I could call my own. I wish I could be completely open and honest with just one person. One. That's all I'm asking for. I have that one person in mind. Well, there are a few prospects, none of which would be considered romantic in any way, shape, or form, but I can't bring myself to let someone in. If I can't do that now with someone who is of no romantic interest, how the hell am I supposed to with my future significant other? Hmm. Guess the best answer to that question would be another question: What future significant other? Right? Ugh. I need to not be in this place anymore (physically, mentally, emotionally, literally, figuratively, etc.).
2 comments:
somehow it always helps for me to think of the new year everyday. that today, and tomorrow, and the next day is the first day of my new year.
it's easier for me to seize that way. and though you may not like how you've changed since the last january 1st, perhaps on january 24th, or february 19th, you'll let someone in on all of you.
you have little to fear. life is hard, but the best step (not the easiest, and definitely not the first) is letting people in.
See newest post for advances and updates, haha. Funny how things work out sometimes, right?
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