Really? Bet you didn't know you'd open up such a can of worms, did you? No, no you didn't.
Let me preface the following with: This is going to be a total cluster fuck of who knows what. I'm typing, and that's about it. Venting. Spewing. Exploding onto the screen my feelings of "insert feeling here" just to get it out. My apologies in advance.
What's bothering me? My initial answer (and preferred) is "I don't know". And, in reality, it would be great if I didn't know what was bothering me, because then it'd be just one thing. It'd only be the feeling of not knowing. Instead it's the feeling of not knowing (not in the same sense though) along with multiple other things.
Let's start with this not knowing feeling. I have:
66 days until graduation
38 days of class until I need to make real decisions
08 weekends until life comes at me hard.
What am I going to do come May 9th? I don't know how my grad school interviews went. Hell, I know for a fact that I suck at interviewing. I don't know how to not be honest with my answers. I'm sorry if that makes me less of a worthy candidate. It's who I am. And I'm not about to suck dick to get a position somewhere. If that's what it takes to get into grad school, no, if that's what it takes to get anywhere in life, then why would I want to live that life?
Speaking of grad school. I don't know when I'll find out. I don't know if I got in. I don't know anything about it. I wish I did. I'm stressing out a lot more than I let on. It's actually a huge internal battle for me, and I really wish it would just resolve itself. Soon. What do I want the decision to be? Hmm, I have pros and cons for both, but I'm leaning a lot more on the side of wanting to stay here, so leaning toward the getting in side. But I guess I'll take it as it comes?
Next topic, I'm getting stressed (more so than I already am I guess). I've come to the decision that I'm lonely. Yeah, that's my basic problem in the arena of "love life" issues. I just want to have a significant other. But I really want to try having someone who I'm serious about. No, I'm not looking to get married in 2010 or anything, but damn, can't I just be in a real relationship? I'm so freaking lonely, and I really am tired of it. I want that person I can talk to. That person I can get a hug from during times like this. That person I can go to a movie with or walk around town with and just hold hands. Someone I can connect with on a deeper level. Someone I can share my deepest secrets and feelings with. Yeah, there are people who know some things about me and all that (I'll spare you the details since I've already talked about it in previous blogs) but it's not the same. I want that person I can cuddle with (in private, not in the TV lounge of my dorm...) some nights. Ugh, I don't want to talk about this either. It can only lead to how many weddings I have coming up in my future (and how many weddings I'm not going to have a date to...).
Let's move on to my problem with decisions. I know I said I hate them and I wish I didn't have to make them. Well, things haven't changed. But, I have made a decision in my life quite recently and I think it's going to make things a whole lot different, but I don't know how to go about implementing this decision. So, I guess I really haven't fully made the decision yet. Maybe? It's ridiculously hard to implement change in your life when you really don't want the change. I guess it's kind of like being addicted to something that isn't good for you. I'm addicted to this feeling (?) that I have but it's not good for me in the long run, therefore I have decided to rid myself of this feeling (and in reality, what causes it) but I don't really want to. But I do. But I don't. But I need to!
So, I think there's more, but it needs to be processed a little more before I think I can publish it on here. Relationship issues take a bit more thought before they can just be vomited into a blog I think.
Oh, I guess I could post my latest poems since the last blog as a closer:
Victorious
The Darkness falls;
stars covered in the thick blanket.
I sit alone
looking down at the empty street.
A voice rises,
fighting to get through the Silence.
Each note hopeful,
bringing with it a spark of light.
Glancing around,
I search for this source of beauty.
My ears perk up,
but I am listening in vain.
The sound is gone;
overpowered by the heavy shroud.
Darkness surrounds.
Silence, victorious again.
1:32 PM
Left alone to wait,
To ponder,
To stress.
Only to be picked up,
Picked at,
Picked on.
But wait, there's more!
Dropped off again,
More waiting,
More pondering,
More stressing.
Time for round two!
Questions,
Answers,
Notes being taken.
All for what?
A chance for life?
Money?
School?
Undue stress and pressure for hours on end.
Round three!
Wait for an answer,
Ponder the choices,
Stress until a decision is made.
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