So, anyway...here goes.
I'm back from Penn State. Had a good time. Left a lot of good friends. And I hurt. A lot.
I'm back at JMU. I'm looking forward to some things. I am back to friends. And I hurt. A lot.
It's starting to look kind of like a pattern, right? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't really know. What I do know is that I hurt...but what kind of hurt is it?
This summer taught me a lot. I learned a lot about myself as an employee. As a human. As a soul. I learned a lot about myself that I didn't think I was going to learn and definitely didn't want to learn. At the same time, I learned a lot about others. And a lot about relationships.
I love people. This isn't new to me, but it was totally redefined this summer. I learned that it is actually possible for me to let people in. And it's sucks! I can't hide inside myself if I do that...people actually see me. It makes me vulnerable.
I don't like being vulnerable.
There are quite a few people I got close to this summer. Each relationship started out pretty much the same as all of my others, but something happened with one in particular that really just effed me over. It came to a pretty abrupt halt and experienced a lot of change in a short amount of time, and this changed something within me. This person has little to no clue (other than the awkward 2:19am text I just sent) what they did or what they actually mean to me. But I think that is okay. Either way, something happened and I began to see some things differently.
After that relationship's turn of events, I had to start forming/strengthening some other connections. So, long story short, I became closer with one of the three main people I hung out with and it was an actual two-way friendship from the start; something that was pretty rare in my life (because of my own faults, not anyone else's). This definitely caught me by surprise. But it was good. I actually enjoyed it. There were many nights spent pouring out tears and feelings and emotions on this person's shoulder...and it was taken with no intention of anything but listening to me. Yeah, I've had this before...but there was a realization and change within me that made this so much different. And I loved it.
Now I'm back here.
Those relationships I formed in Pennsylvania are still intact (well...for the most part). And I am so excited to continue to pursue them and be pursued by them. It is always cool to meet new people and make new friends. It's like being back in elementary school and finding that group you're going to sit with at lunch for the whole year.
But what does that mean for relationships here? I don't know. I'm graduating in May. So, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here after that. Honestly, I'm hoping not too long. I've had a taste of change and I want to keep eating. But, I digress. I am a firm believer that things can always be changed and mended, and that philosophy goes with relationships too. So, I've messed up quite a few relationships here and I'm fully aware of that. But, I'm going to continue to be this new person, so if that means relationships get mended, awesome. If not, well, I understand. But, I also know that new relationships are going to be different. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be a little slower paced here, I think, but I'm dedicated to making it happen.
So, after all of that rambling and mass confusion of words, what does the Messiah have to do with it?
Let me give a little background first. Now that I'm back, the wonderful folks at RISE Harrisonburg are allowing me to live in their mission house. It's been great! I have also been asked (and I've accepted) to be part of their Core Team (basically their leadership team). Part of this responsibility is a bi-weekly meeting with the rest of the team where we get updates and things as well as take part in communion (which has been an interesting time for me, but that's unrelated).
Anyway, tonight Amanda made a comment during her communion prayer that just struck me...hard. As she was praying, she asked that we all realize that we're not the Messiah and we don't have to try to be.
What?
It hit me. I've always known what I've been doing in relationships and in my life, but I had never put any sort of deep-meaning type of thought into it. But I think I was trying to be the Messiah. The Messiah is the person who is the savior of a group of people. More specifically, in Christian faith, Jesus is looked at as the Son of God and Messiah; He is the man who was sent to save the Earth from its imperfections. He was a perfect being who did no wrong...and I'm not Him. I was living my life trying to save everyone else and make sure they were okay. Yeah, I was doing it out of a heart of love and desire to make sure others were cared for and knew they were cared for. But I was never giving up any of myself. If I did that, well, I would be vulnerable and weak and, obviously, not able to care for the people in my life. I was trying to be that savior, but instead I was just giving and giving and giving and never allowing for anyone else to give to me; I wasn't receiving. That's not a real relationship. I'm no messiah nor am I expected to be one. I'm allowed to hurt. I'm allowed to be helped. I'm allowed to be weak and let someone else carry me.
And I'm going to let that happen now. It's bound to be an exciting trip.
Tonight's Playlist:
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