Forgiveness.

Damn.  This is a big word.

So, RISE has been doing a series on family for the past three weeks.  And, like is normal for RISE, it has come at a time where I needed to hear it.  This week was the last message, and honestly when I heard what it was about, I didn't want to go.

Amanda spoke a lot on the story of Joseph (you know, the guy with the multi/techni-colored [dream] coat).  ((Lots of references there, just go with it.))  It's such a tough story.  Such a tough story.  To make a long story way too short, Joseph was a favorite of his father and his brothers didn't like that.  They decided the best thing to do was kill him, but one of the nicer of the group decided they should sell him into slavery instead.  You know, gotta make those dollas.  So some time passed and Joseph rose to some ridiculously high power.  He was basically the right hand man to the Pharaoh; some argue that he was even more powerful than the Pharaoh, but didn't have the status to hold the position.  He had a prophetic dream about an impending famine to hit the land and because of this he was able to pretty much save the land.  Eventually, Joseph's family heard that Egypt had food, so they came to beg the Pharaoh for food.  They ended up meeting with Joseph and didn't recognize him.  Joseph recognized them though.  Like any other person would, he was mad at them .  He held in a lot of tough things for many many years.  So, of course, he was snarky and maybe a little mean to them at the beginning, but when it came down to it in the end, he revealed his true self to them and forgave them for everything they had done to him.  He gave them land and food and livestock and saved their lives.  He embraced each person and cried uncontrollably.  He couldn't help but to love on them and forgive them.  After all they had done to him, he forgave them.

That's powerful.

Could I do that?  Will I do that?

So, no, my family hasn't sold me into slavery, but recently I've had very tough conversations with my parents about me and my sexual identity and orientation.  It's been hard, but it has been good for me.  I'm doing things for me, and it's awesome.  But, from those conversations, I have had some pretty hurtful things said to me and about me.  Things I wouldn't really expect to be said, but at the same time, things I have heard before from other people.  This stuff coming from family though, people who are hugely important in my life, hurts.  A lot.

I know that I need to move toward forgiveness for everything that has been done.  But I'm no Joseph.  How'd he do that?  I'm struggling with this.  Hard.  But even more than that, I'm struggling with what it actually means to forgive.

Forgiveness is more than just a word.  It involves action.  It involves that hug around the neck.  It requires more than just saying "I forgive you".  I can tell my family that I forgive them all I want, but until I am able to actually mean it and act upon it, it doesn't mean anything.  And I don't know when that will be.  But it needs to be.

I need to be a better Joseph.  It's going to be hard.  And it's going to take time.  But I need to do it.

And I'm sure this could be developed more, but it's not...yet.

Tonight's playlist:
Island In The Sun -- Weezer
Gone Going -- Black Eyed Peas (Feat. Jack Johnson)
City on Down -- O.A.R.
Waka Waka -- Shakira
Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For -- U2
Santeria -- Sublime
Tied Down -- Colbie Caillat
About Mr. Brown -- O.A.R.
Get Back -- Alexandra Stan
Forever Young -- Jay Z
A-Punk -- Vampire Weekend