I think stream of consciousness may work best at this point. I mean, modified SOC. I'll have points strewn throughout. As well as punctuation. But the flow, well, it may be a bit wonky, but oh well, it is my blog.
Let's start with the current state of my family. It's different. My granddad (my last biological grandparent) is basically dead. He's got lung cancer, brain tumors, pneumonia, and an infection in his blood. He doesn't give two shits about himself. My dad hates him for being an asshole of a father. My aunt is an emotional wreck. And my uncle (who
Moving on. I don't have a job. I will tell you flat out "No, I haven't gotten one yet. I'm not too worried though, something will work out eventually." Guess what? I'm lying. Completely. I'm scared. I'm honestly scared and worried. For the past 8 years (hell, 22 year) my life has basically been planned out. I knew I would go from four years of high school to four years of college. I knew I'd graduate and get a job. Well, I graduated. Now it's a lot different. There is no plan. There is no guarantee. There is nothing other than a long open road in front of me that has not road signs, markings, direction, or even any pavement. I'm lost. And I'm alone. For those of you who know me, you know that I like things like this. I like to drive on roads I don't know. I like to take late night drives alone. It is calming. Well, this is different. In a car, I can get back. I just turn around and follow my way home. Hell, I can call someone if I get too lost. In life, well, there is no turning around and following anything home. There is no GPS or cell number for getting lost in life. I don't like this. I'm so tired of rejection letters, emails, and just no responses at all. The worst part about it: there's not a whole lot I can do other than keep applying to jobs. Being stuck in the whirlpool trap of "experience" is a bitch.
Something that I think is really getting to me, though, is that I miss my friends. I don't have any here. I mean, I have people I hang out with or talk to sometimes, but the group that was there during high school is no longer there and hasn't been for four years. JMU gave me so many people to hang out with. To form relationships with; relationships that will last more than just a summer or two. I miss those people. I miss the Peer Advising group of folks. In the two years I was part of that organization I made some great friends. I mean, I thought a majority of the PAs were asses and/or pricks, but those who I actually liked, well, I miss them. The RA staff I was on this past year. :'(. That's all I can say. I miss them so much. What am I getting at? I had people to confide in in these groups (amongst other friends). Here I have nobody. I have so much on my mind and in my heart and soul right now that I just want to get out. I want to sit someone down, tell them all my secrets, dreams, desires, goals, aches, pains, joys. I want to cry with someone. I can't. I don't have "that" friend. I have a few people (from JMU, of course) that are almost there. One in particular who is 99% there (the missing 1% being the fact that she has a vagina). I really want that "guy friend" that I see so many of the people around me have. That same sex bff type of friend. I want to find my "best man". I don't want to live out the movie "I love you, man." Maybe I'm just not meant to find that person yet. Maybe they'll be in my workplace. Or in grad school (if I ever get in). I don't know. [[This was a very stream of consciousness-ish paragraph, my apologies. Though, I did forewarn you.]]
I would love to keep going, but what else I have to say is one of those things that I need to tell aforementioned friend. :(.
Oh well.
On a positive note, though. I am trying to end each day with my final tweet being something positive from the day. Maybe I'll start posting them here too.
Today's positive: I spent quality time with my sister doing wedding things today. It was good.
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