I can't sleep.
Surprise.
But tonight it's because there is so much on my mind.
Today we ended class with a discussion on whether my generation has become numb or desensitized to the tragedies that happen in our communities or around us. My professor mentioned that he was at a conference the day after the shooting in Aurora, Colorado, and when it was brought up those who were over 30 or 35 years old were shocked and much more emotional than those who were younger. When asked why this was, someone from the younger crowd said that it was something they had grown up with and known, so they had become so used to it that they had to learn to take it and go on.
Wow.
But is it true?
I think back on my childhood and journey into the 25th year of my life and can kind of see the point...
The shootings at Columbine happened about two months after my 11th birthday. Honestly, I was too young and they were too far away to have much of an effect on me, but at the same time, I realized what happened and still felt sad for the situation. Fast forward two years to 2001 and we have the tragedies of 9/11. At 13 years old, I knew this was a horrible situation and felt for those involved, but again, I didn't register a lot of emotional attachment to the situation because it was far from me and my family. But, it was another piece of major negativity to be added to my life experience/worldview. Moving on another 6 years...the horrible tragedy at Virginia Tech. Here I am, a freshman at James Madison University, watching story after story about a school that is 30 minutes from my house; a school that many of my friends from high school attended. Another tragedy to add to my collection...but this one is different...this one has personal connection. I was lucky enough to not have any friends injured or lost that day, but even still, it was a day that still brings tears to my eyes if I think about it too long (and, of course, it's awkwardly fitting that I'd be writing this on the 6 year anniversary). Throughout the rest of my undergraduate experience, I lost friends and acquaintances to tragic accidents, suicide, disease, etc.
Then there are recent events like the shooting at the New River Valley Community College satellite campus at the NRV Mall where a friend of mine was one of the two victims. Or the bombing yesterday that the Boston Marathon. Or even the story I'm currently following of a male who presumably jumped from the sixth floor of an apartment complex I walked by countless times this summer at Penn State.
But back to the question...am I numb to all of this?
Overall, no, I'm not numb to the tragedies of the world. Am I shocked? Usually, no; this news isn't shocking anymore...and I think this is the most upsetting and sad part. The fact that I can hear a story and not be shocked that it could have happened is sad.
But I'm not numb or desensitized to it; I do still have feelings, especially (and obviously, I'd say) when there is a personal tie or connection to the situation.
But it makes me think more about my direction in life. Where I want to go. Where I want to focus my attention. Who I want to work with.
When I hear about tragedies like the ones my generation and I have gone though, I obviously think about the victims and their families, but I also think about the person/people behind the act...the "bad guy", "terrorist", or "perpetrator" as the media would say.
What can I do to prevent these people from existing? How can I reach them before they resort to actions that cannot be reversed?
The more reflection I do on this, the more I realize I want to be able to prevent events like this from happening. It is reinforcing the ideas that I have had for a while about working with students who don't have a place to fit in; those who feel like they don't belong to any group or anyone at the university. I don't want to work with the campus leaders, they already know what's going on and are connected. I don't want to work with the honors students who have their entire plan mapped out.
I want to work with the student who is still getting made fun of because he is a little more feminine than a man should be and doesn't know how to cope.
I want to work with the student who is being pressured by her family to maintain a 4.0 GPA to get into that medical school that has nothing to do with her desire to be a Broadway superstar.
I want to work with the students who feel they don't have anywhere else to go other than down a path that leads to nothing but a dead end.
If I really think about it...I want to work with the me that I used to be. That me that nobody really knows about. That me that isn't completely dead, but is finally barely hanging on.
I have done a lot of reflection in the past semester about why I am who I am, and what it was that brought me here. Through this, I have learned a lot about myself, and if I'm honest with you (and myself), it's surprising that I made it to be this 25 year old, soon to be Master of Education, with nothing but a positive (yet realistic) future ahead of him.
I want to make sure others get to this point too. I don't want anymore students taking the lives of their peers or themselves. I don't want anymore students leaving college feeling like they don't belong in the world.
Now that I've gotten all of that out (and it's taken a totally different turn that I originally expected) I think I can sleep now. Sorry for such a long post. And thanks for reading. Hopefully it makes sense.
Tonight's Playlist:
God and Satan -- Biffy Clyro
Losing My Religion -- R.E.M
The Gardener -- The Tallest Man on Earth
A Guiding Light -- Smog
Strong and Wrong -- Joni Mitchell
Friend is a Four Letter Word -- CAKE
Mother of God -- Patty Griffin
For Everything A Reason -- Carina Round
The Parting Glass -- Shaun Davey
When She Loved Me -- Sarah McLachlan
Porcelain Fists -- Ingrid Michaelson
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