Change

Change.

That's a weird word to me. I want to say that a lot of things have changed in my life in the past year or so...but honestly, have they? I don't know.

When I came out to my parents in December, I thought things would change. For the better? For the worse? I didn't know, but I definitely thought my relationship with them and toward them would be different. It's not, from what I can tell. I still have unhealthy boundaries with my mom and lack of any relationship with my dad.

I thought I would be able to rid myself of all of that and be a lot freer, but that's not happening. I still feel like I'm walking around on eggshells about things. Like the fact I applied to a job at Portland State University the other week that I think would be an awesome job for me...but haven't told them because I don't think I'd even take it if I got it for fear of their reaction.

I thought I'd be able to be more of myself in a relationship, but that's proving to be hard too because I keep thinking that this guy isn't going to be approved of by my parents. But, who the Hell am I kidding? No guy is going to be approved of...they're guys! Yet, even knowing that and knowing that I know that I know that...I still can't stop thinking about it.

I think one of the biggest changes, though, comes through my lack of connection. I'm not as connected here as I was in Harrisonburg through RISE. I don't have a RISE here. I don't think there is a RISE here. I think this loss of connection is what's really holding me back and keeping me from accepting the change of moving to a new place and starting a new job and leaving my family and all of that fun stuff that I'm doing but not embracing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy here, but I think there are some things I just need to learn to let myself embrace and work out.

On another, kind of related but mostly not, note: I had an interview for a job with VA ABC in Richmond last week. I'm hoping to hear something this week about a second interview. It's an Educational Coordinator position hopefully planning programs for the college population. It won't be working directly at a school or with students, but anything is better than working here, honestly. This environment is very unhealthy, and I don't know how much longer I can be in it without becoming unhealthy myself. So, we'll see!

Today's Soundtrack:

Pandora