Excuses

I am awesome at making excuses.  Not to get out of doing things with other people.  Not to get out of a test.  Not any of that regular excuse making stuff, but mainly for myself.

I can make almost anything an excuse for not doing something that I need to do for myself.  I have done it for about, oh, 24 years now?  And the worst part about it, well, now that I want to stop doing it, I'm struggling.

It's kind of like a vicious cycle:

I say "I need to change this about my life", I gather up the courage to do it, I plan it all out, I think about it, I find something to say "I can't do this now.  I mean, look at     insert excuse here   .  Now is an awful time.", I don't do it

Then, after not doing it, I realize that I need to change something....and it all starts again.

Well, I can feel this happening again...right now...and I don't want it to.  I mean, I guess it's happening twice. I realize that I want to stop...but I'm making excuses to not stop.  [[Like writing a blog about doing it instead of doing it, haha.]]

But the biggest thing is in regard to that long overdue conversation I mentioned a few posts ago.  It needs to happen.  Desperately.  But I'm beginning to formulate excuses for not doing it.  And, honestly, this is the absolute worst excuse I've come up with...ever.

Most of the time I come up with relevant excuses.  "Mom is sick, I don't want to upset her."  "They've had a lot of things dumped on them recently, this won't be a good time to add to that."  "I need to think about it more in order to really decide if this is what I want to do."  You know, okay things.  Things that make sense to me, at least.

This one though.  What am I doing?!  I'm using the tragedies and pains of others to mask my own pains and struggles.  And I'm using the pains of people my parents don't even know...at all...to convince myself that they can't handle it.

Really?

Cody.  Stop!

Ugh.  Maybe typing this out will be the kick in the ass that I need to shape up.  At least for this conversation.

And, damnit, I need to stop blogging and work on this portfolio!  I'm almost done with Section One, though. That's progress, right?

Oh, also, tonight's playlist was really a random shuffle.  Much more shuffled than last nights, haha.

Tonight's Jams:
Animal -- Miike Snow
Radio -- Lana Del Rey
Heard Them Stirring -- Fleet Foxes
Candle In The Wind -- Elton John
Heartbreaker -- The Walkmen
Nothing To Worry About -- Peter Bjorn and John
Blue Ridge Mountains -- Fleet Foxes