In my head.

There are so many times that I hate being inside of my head.  If any of you could be here instead of me, well, I don't think I'd let you.  There is so much here that I don't think I could wish it on anyone.  But, at the same time, I don't think I would want to because of how much I'm learning.  Even in the rough times.

What are you talking about, Cody?

I hate reflecting sometimes.  I hate thinking about things that make no sense.  Things that are in the past.  Things that are in the present.  Things that haven't even happened yet.  There is so much there that I can't sort through it quick enough to realize what the Hell is going on.

I'm trying to work on this portfolio, and it's becoming a lot harder than I expected.  If I had the option to bypass all of these required sections and I could just type out my thoughts on life and school and jobs instead, well, I'd touch on all eight competencies...and then some.  Can I just type out my thoughts and hand it in?  Maybe I should ask.

I don't know what the point of this blog post is, honestly.  I think I'm just going to let my fingers do their thing...kind of like my blog's title suggests.  I'm going to let them just run off...

I think I hide things about myself pretty well for the most part, but I don't know how much longer it will last.  And that's something I know isn't a right way to be.  Hell, I want to go to school...more...to get paid to tell people to not do what I'm doing (and will probably continue to do).  How hypocritical is that going to be!

But really though, I wish there was a button I could push that would just sort things out, tell me which way to go, and show me what is ahead for me.

Do I really wish that though?

Like I said, I'm learning a lot as I go through my thoughts.  I'm building a better me.  I'm reflecting.  I'm growing.  Right?  But I've been here before.  I know what comes next.  And that's the worst part.

With any sort of growth and change in life, pain comes along somewhere.  It's almost inevitable.  And I am totally the person who'd rather have it come to me than on to anyone else.  And that just doesn't always work out, and when I see that, well, I try to avoid it and divert it onto myself.  Then I stop growing in order to help someone else out.  But is that helping anyone?  Including other people?

I've been learning that growth comes from pain a lot of times.  This time of Advent is all about pain, but learning and living in it and through it and becoming stronger because of it.

So, what am I learning?

Well, I'm learning that pain is okay.  Pain is natural.  Pain is something that I can grow from.... And so can others.  So, if my growth means that there may be pain laid onto someone else, well, I am going to have to be okay with that.  I may not like it, and I may be able to have it lessened as much as possible, but in order for that person to grow they're going to have to have it.  And it's not right for me to keep that from happening.  No matter how hard that it.

That's tough.  I hate hurting people.  I don't like seeing people hurting.  But you know what, it is going to happen from time to time.  So, let's grow and learn from it.  Look back on it afterward.  And be better because of it.

But what does any of that mean?

I don't know right now.  I'm trying to figure that out, I think.  I know that I'm thinking a lot about a lot of things going on in my life right now, and I don't know how I'm going to be reacting to them.  Honestly, I don't want to hold things in like I usually do.  But I don't want to hurt people (despite what I just said about them growing from it...).

See.  Inside my head is this constant battle to figure things out and make sure everyone is okay along the way.  For someone who dislikes arguing as much as I do, I sure as Hell do a lot of it with myself.  Lame!

_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_

So...

After reading over all of that, I realize it sounds like I'm depressed or ready to just light people on fire.  Definitely not!  I'm just wrestling with my thoughts and thought putting them out here would maybe help me.

So, rest assured, I'm not going to be lighting any of you on fire in hopes that you grow.  I'm just going to be making some changes in the way I am...I hope.

((God, that doesn't sound any better either, haha.  And the playlist to follow, well, that's probably not helping my cause either.  Sometimes shuffle is just a funny beast!))

Tonight's music:
Gone Away -- Safetysuit
Like We Used To -- A Rocket to the Moon
New American Classic -- Taking Back Sunday
The Call -- Regina Spektor
Tragedy (Austin Cello Version) -- Brandi Carlile
Iris -- Goo Goo Dolls